


Campfire: The Lost Chapter

by SeriouslySiri



Series: More Tales [3]
Category: Tales of Series, Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 06:13:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySiri/pseuds/SeriouslySiri
Summary: It's the night after Raven shared the warmth of a campfire and a heavy conversation with Estelle. It's the night after she changed his mind about his place in the world. Tonight there is also a campfire, but this time, Raven has the distinct pleasure of sharing it with Yuri. This time, the conversation is a different kind of heavy. This time Raven's got to save Yuri as well as himself.
Series: More Tales [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/401311
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is a missing chapter from Tales of the Campfire- it was originally going to go between chapters 3 & 4\. If you haven't read that fic it might help make things a little easier to understand (at least up to chapter 3). Campfire is also a sequel to Tales of the Tides which does not need to be read, but is referenced. 
> 
> I thought this piece was a weird fever dream for a long time. I thought I remembered writing it with Legi, but it was no where to be found on any of my hard drives or google docs. At least, until about two months ago when I plugged a random USB drive into my computer and found out that it is, in fact, real! It's a bit older and it's very unrefined. I didn't change a lot from the way we originally wrote it since this was one of the last pieces I wrote with Legi before we parted ways. 
> 
> I'm glad I found it and I'm glad I can share it. I always felt like this conversation was missing from Campfire, but I was too scared to write it by myself.

It takes everything Raven has to roll off his cot and trudge up the stairs to the main deck. He stands in the doorway a moment watching Judy pile up their camping supplies near the ramp and Yuri up in the rigging untying Ba’ul from the ropes that bound the Fiertia to him. Even the thought of eating dinner was daunting, let alone the prospect of having to prepare everything after setting up camp. Raven is so sore and so so very tired. But he’s not the only one feeling that way and he’ll be damned if he lets everyone else do all the work.

He takes a quick breath and heads for Judy’s collection of bags and grabs the large green one that holds their tents, slings it over his shoulder with a small grimace and heads down the ramp. He takes his time setting up, one tent for the girls and the other for the guys, as Rita and Estelle get dinner together and Karol makes the most tedious perimeter check Raven’s ever seen. Which is good, if they were attached again it would probably end worse than the wasp swarm.

Karol comes over to help finish up the tents when his checks are finished and Raven hops in to finish up dinner because while the princess and the mage are dedicated to their meals the taste usually left something to be desired.

After that dinner is…awkward. Tastes fine, but it’s quiet. The uncomfortable kind of quiet that makes Raven itch under his skin.

Which isn’t surprising, considering they were standing in that field only a few hours ago yelling at each other, even though it feels like it has been _so_ much longer. Raven never understood what it was about emotional insanity like break downs, freak outs, and screaming matches that made time go all crazy, but that’s the way it usually plays out. Everyone gets so focused on their emotions and actions, that time feels like it flies by and Raven looks up from his half eaten plate of food and thinks it has to be later than it really is, but the moon is barely sticking up over the trees.

And it is just _so quiet_.

The silence is both a blessing and a curse. No one wants to speak because they are afraid they might hurt someone, again, but on the flip side it is clear everyone has something, or many somethings, they really really want to, _need to_ , say. Right now just might not be the right time for everyone to do so. A lot was said this afternoon; all truths, but hurtful truths and its not something any single person can sort through easily.

Time, Raven keeps telling himself. _It’s just gunna take time_. Which is something their group both has and doesn’t have. Technically, everyone has time, but the dying world does not and if they are going to win this fight and save what they have, they have to push all this crap aside which is so much easier said than done. Like most things in this world that require compromise.

Dinner finishes up quickly with little conversation between bites and Judy stands up, offering to wash the dishes and Rita follows her for some unknown reason because the mage has never offered to do them before, but tonight is different.

Tonight is very different.

Instead of banter and chatter there is silence and polite questions. Yuri doesn’t even sit with everyone, but away from the group, alone except for Repede by his side, and doesn’t touch a single thing on his plate which Judy pointedly doesn’t take to wash off leaving the food to get cold, but still there in case he decides to get hungry. Instead of Estelle making sure everyone is okay by asking she simply watches with her bright, tired green eyes. Karol spends most of the time scanning the perimeter of the camp, but not really looking for monsters. He’s lost somewhere in his own debate of right and wrong. Rita is doing dishes and Judy…well she is about the only thing still normal at the moment because Judy is a godsend of unchanging calm exactly when everyone needs it.

Raven starts fiddling with his broken bow after he decides his stomach hurts too much to finish his dinner. It’s not broken beyond repair, but the string is weaker now that it’s already been snapped out of its holsters at either end of the recurve and the rebound warped the wood in the middle when it uncurled. It’s frustrating more than anything really because if they do come across trouble before getting to this next town he’s going to have to be twice as careful. It’ll either be stay back and cast, in which case he won’t be able to defend himself. Take special care with his bow, wherein he won’t be as effective in battle or forgo both of those and charge head on with his dagger and that will only end horribly because he’s tried, sore, and feels sick to his stomach. He’ll keel over again if he’s not careful and that wouldn’t help the situation at all.

It’s as he’s twisting his bow string to test its strength that Estelle comes over and sits next to him without so much as a hello and puts a hand on his, stilling his movements.

“Are you okay? Your hands are shaking.”

Raven smirks, despite himself. When Estelle says she’s going to make an effort she really makes an effort. “Nothin’ a good nights sleep won’t fix for now. Like I said back on the ship, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you can do for me.”

At this Karol’s head perks up and his hands still, hovering over to the metal mallet on the end of his hammer that he was idly polishing.

Estelle frowns, obviously not satisfied with his answer. “Rita should take a look at your blastia. Maybe she can-“

Raven shakes his head to stop her. “Not tonight, princess.” Because that is probably the last thing Rita wants to do right now. “I think we all should call it an early night.”

 _Please, lets call it an early night_.

Estelle frowns a little, clearly unhappy with that answer, and casts a scrutinizing stare over him, and then freezes. “Raven you’re still hurt!” She exclaims as her eyes fall on a rather large bruise poking up onto his neck from under his jacket. She leans closer so suddenly that Raven has to fight the urge to lean backwards. “Let me heal you, okay?” She doesn’t really wait for a response or an excuse before there’s a circle lighting up underneath her feet and the feeling of her healing artes are washing over him like warm water. “Is that better? I’m so sorry for not noticing…”

“It’s fine,” Raven tells her, “Don’t worry about it.” They all have more to worry about than him and he’s the only one who seems to get that, but he knows that the princess won’t be satisfied just by that. “I feel better already. Thank you, mil- Estelle. Thanks, Estelle.” The second try comes without stammering even thought the informal use of her name still makes a part of him uncomfortable. “But really, we should all go get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I’m beat.” Karol pipes up from across the campfire, bless his heart. Raven’s not sure if he says that on purpose or not, but either way he appreciates it. Standing up, the little guild leader stretches and something in his shoulder cracks. Frowning he rolls his arm a couple times and looks around. “Someone still needs to be watch, though.”

“I will.”

Everyone turns to look when Yuri speaks up from where he sits outside the circle of logs around the campfire. His plate is still untouched, but if anyone asks about it, he’ll just say that he’ll eat later, even though he won’t. His expression betraying nothing Yuri continues, “It’s been a day for all of us. I’ll take watch tonight. Get some rest, everyone.”

He doesn’t have to say that he needs time to think, not when everyone else feels exactly the same way. He has a feeling that no one’s going to sleep much tonight; ironic since now is when they need rest the most. But there’s no point in saying that, and there’s no point in everyone staying up pretending that everything is okay when almost nothing was okay and they all know it.

Rita hasn’t been able to look at Estelle all night and _she_ clearly found something painful in talking to _him_ , because every time she tries, she looks like she hurt and that, in turn, hurt.

 _This sucks_. That is all Yuri can think and not a little bit resentfully. It _sucked_. If only they could have just skipped today entirely, then things might have been alright. If only Estelle hadn’t started shouting, if only Yuri hadn’t shouted at Raven, if only Estelle hadn’t been hurt protecting him, if only Raven hadn’t been hurt in the first place. If only Estelle hadn’t started thinking about him in the first place, if only…if only.

Yuri couldn’t delude himself into thinking that things were ever okay, whether today had happened for not. Things had never been okay, not since they’d found out the truth about Raven or, honestly, even before that. Okay hadn’t been anything more than ignorance, and Yuri might have been able to lie to himself before, but he couldn’t now. Not anymore.

Raven was convenient but this wasn’t all about him. It was easy to think that, to pin this all on him, but it wasn’t. Not when the accusations and grievances flung around had been about each other instead, and that they all imploded today sort of makes Yuri’s head spin.

Raven is still an entirely separate issue that Yuri hasn’t even begun to untangle and while Yuri knows he has to even if he doesn’t want to. That’s really the only conclusion he’s been able to come to since the field. It’s time. He doesn’t want it to be time, but the sun isn’t going to wait to rise.

There is Raven, he thinks, the one he thought he knew. The shady one, the guy who never seemed to care that he was the butt of every joke, the guy who always had a back flip or a terrible joke or a grin in the face of everything awful, who was there even when Yuri himself thought he’d rather him gone. The Raven that cooked and helped set up camp and volunteered for first watch so that they could get more rest. Yuri _liked_ that Raven. Didn’t appreciate him, maybe, but he respected him and considered him a part of their mismatched, ragtag group.

The thing is, Raven still does the things that that Raven did. He still cooks, he still helps set up camp, and he still volunteers for first watch so that they can get more rest, but now there is more. Yuri thought he knew just how much more, but now he knows he doesn’t have even the slightest clue and he can’t help but think about what other things he might not know.

Things he definitely doesn’t know.

It was simple before and now it isn’t. Before shattered into a million pieces the moment Raven laid hands on Estelle and made Yuri realize that he hadn’t ever known a single thing and worse, hadn’t really cared to know.

Estelle is right, none of them had cared to know.

_Why did you let him live? Was it because of pity? You don’t pity people, Yuri, so why?_

_Because he didn’t deserve to die and not pay for what he did!_

Estelle’s words and his response play on repeat in his head and Yuri wishes he could shake them out. It’s the truth, he thinks, but not the whole truth. Not anywhere near the truth and while what he said was pretty bad, what he feels is even worse.

No, he doesn’t think Raven should be allowed to roll over and die without paying for his crimes, but also…

Yuri still cares.

He can’t help caring and he hates every second of it.

And more than that, he wants to know. He’s always hated being confused because it leads to being blindsided like he was today. Yuri wants to know everything.

After Yuri offers to take watch it’s like a collective breath is released, like everyone’s relieved that they don’t have to stick around and there is an almost immediate bustle for toothbrushing, changing into pajamas, and fleeing into tents for the remainder of the evening. Everyone hurries off...except Raven who lingers just a few minutes longer, staring into the fire. 

Yuri looks up to see Estelle hovering near him. Her hands are laced behind her back, he knows that's the way she always gets when she’s nervous or unsure.

“Goodnight, Yuri.” She says quietly and peers at him from underneath lowered lashes and Yuri feels himself twist. She’s been exhausted, it’s so, so clear. He’s seen it ever since they rescued her from Alexei but it’s never been so obvious to him as it is tonight. Still, it’s equally as obvious that even though he hurt her today and she could very easily have scurried off too, she is trying to make things better and even though the whole situation sucks, Yuri appreciates it.

He doesn’t like admitting it but she hurt him too, and he can still feel imprint of where her hand came down right over his chest like it was a brand and not a smack.

"Goodnight, Estelle.” He says looking up and into a pair of eyes for the first time since they landed. She smiles at him and the part that twisted unwinds a tiny bit. “Go get some sleep, okay? I’ll watch over things here.”

“Right,” She reaches out to touch him on the shoulder, too gently. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” And then she walks off, but not without leaning down to say what is obviously a quite goodnight to Raven as well, though he can’t hear it. Yuri scowls down into his untouched plate and pushes it further away. Repede looks at the food and then up at Yuri his ears falling flat against his head.

The Raven issue is one that’s been hovering on his mind and it’s only gotten worse with the events of the day, and the more Yuri thinks about it, or doesn’t think about it (which is what he’s been trying to do), his stomach churns and his food turns to sawdust in his mouth. That’s..

That’s hard.

Next to Raven, Yuri is the oldest in the group and he takes that more seriously than he takes being the leader. The Lower Quarter was no easy place to grow up and it was impossible to make it on your own; the older ones looked out for the younger ones, and the younger ones looked out for the even younger ones, and that was just how things went. That was the only way that anyone could really get by, locked into a place and bound by circumstance.

Yuri is no different. He remembers the few kindly adults from his childhood after his parents passed away- not that he remembers _them_ much at all- Hanks, the innkeeper, the bartender that he lives above now, and Yuri remembers looking after the kids himself. Of course there was Flynn as well, but it was given that they’d look out for each other.

That hasn’t changed, at least. One constant in this chaotic mess of a world.

Now there’s Karol who is still so very, very young even though his maturity’s far surpassed his age and Rita who he still sees as half-grown. There is… Estelle. Then there is Judy who doesn’t really need him but inspires him to want to look after her anyway. They’re younger and he is older and they’re his look out for even though he is pretty sure that everyone but Estelle would chafe to know he felt that way.

And then there is Raven.

And that’s the crux of it, Yuri thinks.

For once, there was someone that might be able to look after Yuri the way he looked after the others. Raven made things easier, was someone who could help shoulder the burden, who made Yuri feel like he could maybe not take everything on himself.

And Yuri was wrong.

Raven _hurt_ Estelle, maybe not directly but by association to the point that she can’t even talk about what happened to her. She shuts down and pretends that it doesn’t exist even though she’s always been the shittiest liar that Yuri’s ever seen.

What if it happens again? What if next time it’s Karol, or Rita? Even mentally Yuri bristles at the thought. This can’t continue, he thinks. He can’t risk that happening again. Not only that, but Yuri is _angry_. At a lot of things, really, but most of them revolving around Raven.

There’s the obvious, of course. He betrayed them, he hurt Estelle, and Yuri’s angry about that. Understandably so, and he doesn’t think that anyone would begrudge him that. And then there’s the rest of it that he’s held close to himself and not talked about to anyone. Not that he’s talked about much of anything with anyone even before he went off to the top of Zaude.

There’s the rest of it that has nothing to do with anyone but Yuri.

Yuri let himself get too close, he trusted Raven and he shouldn’t have. He knew that Raven was shady, they all did, and Yuri, who usually didn’t trust _anyone_ , trusted him. Assumed he would do what was right for them, to do what was right even if he was shady. Maybe _because_ he was shady.

And in a way, Raven had become the kind of person that Yuri wanted to be. He’d never be the shining knight like Flynn and honestly, he didn’t really want to be. That was all Flynn right down to the part about law-abiding and being a goody two-shoes. That wasn’t the kind of person Yuri was meant to be. He was too gray-moraled and his book was too red already. But maybe he could be another type of hero; not the knight but the person in the shadows who paved the way for everyone else.

The kind of person that he’d thought that Raven was.

And Yuri was all the more the fool for it.

Now he couldn’t even look at Raven without cold fury bubbling though his veins, much less trust him, and therein lay the issue. He can’t keep doing this. He can’t keep feeling like this, questioning his decisions and wondering if he made the right choice. Even when they were choices that other people didn’t understand or agree with, Yuri knew that they were the right ones, stood by them, and found himself the better for them. Now he can’t be sure at all. What’s better now? Nothing. Couldn’t things have been different if he’d done something else? Could things have been better if Yuri made better choices?

He keeps running himself in circles. This can’t keep happening, he can’t keep doing this.

 _Raven can’t stay_.

He knows that the others are going to be upset, that Estelle in particular is going to be angry enough to spit, but he can’t keep going on like this. With Raven gone, things should be simpler, right? Maybe not easier, but simpler. That takes out the major problem that they’ve all been dealing with in their own ways. So that’s that, then. He’ll ask Raven to leave and take whatever comes his way.

At least nothing will come from Raven; there is no way that guy would protest.

Yes. That is that, then.

Yuri looks up as Raven gets up to go about his own business and Yuri speaks up before he can leave.

“Hey, old man. Hold up a minute.”

Raven’s breath catches in his throat and he makes some sad strangled noise as he stops mid-step. _So much for an early night…_

He saw this coming; Yuri wanting to talk to him. It was pretty obvious in the way the kid kept glancing at him from outside the fire pit during dinner. Raven was just hoping he’d wait. At least until the morning, but he should have learned by now that with Yuri, there is never a full moment.

The thing is Yuri’s not the only one that’s been avoiding the inevitable. Raven has too because right now? Yuri is kind of just like Alexei. Raven’s name, life, _everything_ belongs to Yuri and while Estelle made it clear this afternoon that that wasn’t exactly right, it was still the way Raven felt and thought because Yuri hasn’t said otherwise.

He’s been called it before, and Raven’s never denied it because it’s an apt description. Raven’s a dog. A hound who follows his master without question and Raven’s been owned for a very _very_ long time now. Really his whole life. When it wasn’t his father as a kid, it was the empire as a knight, and then Alexei as Captain Schwann, and then The Don as Raven, and now he’s got a new owner and no new name or new role and it’s a little weird.

Raven nods as he turns and meets ashy eyes. “Sure.” He says simply. There’s not going to be any Raven tonight or Schwann or anyone in between. No accent or jokes. He’s going to be as serious as he was this afternoon because Yuri is going to be just as serious.

This is going to be a first for both of them.

Raven waits for Yuri to take a seat, but he doesn’t. He stays put standing just outside the fire light, Repede dutifully by his side, so the only thing Raven can see his eyes, sword, and vague outline. Yuri could be pretty menacing when he wants too, which is both completely expected and unexpected. He’s lived a hard life; anyone like that would be a little sharp around the edges, but at the same time Yuri’s heart is big. He cares. He cares _a lot_.

Either way, he surprises a lot of people.

So Raven knew he’d want to talk. He’s just not too sure about what the particulars are going to be That’s the part that has him worried because there are some things that Raven just can’t give to Yuri right now. Mostly everything he said last night to Estelle and that is pretty much inevitably going to come up.

Except that maybe last night isn’t on Yuri’s mind because as the young man takes a step closer Raven can see something written in his eyes and suddenly Raven’s stomach is in knots. Something is off… he’s seen that look before. It’s the look of someone who is furious, betrayed, and completely and utterly done with the here and now.

 _Oh..oh no, kid. Not now._ He knew Yuri was going to be mad and he has every right to be. Who isn’t right now? But to… _please let me be wrong, just this once._

But Raven is very rarely ever wrong and it’s a skill that he actually hates more than he likes.

Taking a seat slowly the archer lets out a long breath trying to ease the tension in his chest that isn’t just from his blastia’s malfunction earlier. This is either going to go half way okay or straight to hell.

Raven’s willing to put all his gald down on the latter with the way Yuri’s staring at him.

Yuri watches as Raven sits down around the campfire and only when he’s down does he join him. He doesn’t sit next to him, but instead two logs down, as if that can possibly distance him from this whole thing. But that’ s just it, isn’t it?

For a good, long while he sits silently and stares into the flames that crackle merrily in the dim lighting. It’s really, really not late at all, he thinks, it’d be ridiculous if he didn’t know just how badly his friends probably needed the space and the time.

How is he even supposed to do this?

Raven keeps glancing at him, clearly waiting for him to say something, but Yuri stares into the fire, trying to gather his thoughts.

“You have to go.” The words are out before he can catch them, like sand slipping between his fingers.

Raven outwardly flinches. “Right to the point, huh?”

And it hurts. More than Raven thought it would. If Yuri had told him to leave at any point before Zaude, hell any point before yesterday, he would have. It wouldn’t have been any sweat off his back. Okay, that’s a lie, it still would have stung, but he had all his information and kidnapping a sheltered princess was far easier than it should have been…. But all that aside.

Right now Raven’s breath slips from him and it takes everything he has not to drop to the ground in complete shame. He’s failed them; every person and dog in that camp and so many others that were currently miles and miles away. Failed them so bad that he’ll never be able to make up for it because there is nothing he can do that is good enough.

Because Yuri’s not going to give him a chance to.

And he will never blame Yuri for that. He has every reason, and maybe even more reasons than most, to hate him. To want him gone. Why did he ever think he could make up for his actions? He’d never forgive himself, probably never will, so why, _why_ would anyone else?

 _Estelle did_.

And Raven’s pretty sure that no matter how hard he thought about it, no matter the angle he tried to logic it out from, he would _never_ understand that. Maybe her heart was just that big. That she couldn’t even let someone as low as himself go. Maybe she was just being nice because she felt some kind of obligation since he traveled with him.

Maybe everything she said this afternoon was true. Maybe… maybe it wasn’t.

Raven knows the parts that are true. He didn’t realize it until Estelle screamed it at Yuri this afternoon or pointed it out last night while her fingers were wrapped in his tangled hair, but he can acknowledge a lot of what she said. He never did feel like he was a part of this rag tag group of kids and it wasn’t just because he was over a decade older than the oldest of them. He always thought it was just because he never tried.

These things are supposed to go both ways so if he wasn’t trying, neither were they. It never occurred to him that it was wrong to never include him. Not until he thought about it. And, in a way, it wasn’t very fair to say that it hurt his feelings just because Estelle pointed it all out.

Even though it did. Because he thought this group of kids was different. That they could change him and that they _were_ changing him. Only they might have actually been making him worse.

But he’s made so many promises and if it’s one thing Raven’s ever done that’s good in his life, it’s keeping his promises. Yes, he’s lied, but never about that. How can he keep them now? The promises he made to Estelle, Karol and hell, even Yuri. The promise he made to Flynn when he resigned from the knights.

Of course, it took him until _this moment_ to figure it out. Figure out what he wants to fight for. What he wants to _live_ for. It wasn’t last night when Estelle was saving his life. It wasn’t this afternoon when she did it again or when Karol held him up or Judy defended him. It is right this instant with Yuri telling him to get as far away from everything as he could.

 _Figures_.

It’s always when you’re about to lose something or after you’ve already lost it that you realize just how important something, or someone, is to you. That’s a lesson Raven learned a long time ago, but it seems he somehow forgot about it after all these years.

 _No_. He can’t just give up here. Not now. Not after _everything_. Even if he can’t make it up to Yuri and everyone. Even if he has to keep being the villain. Even if he has to keep being hated he’s not going to just…give up. Because if he gives up right now? He’s not going to make it. These kids are all he has left. They’re all he cares about. Screw himself and everything else. Even if the world ended tomorrow he would make sure they lived.

Just don’t tell Estelle that part.

“Why?” Raven asks and he’s not even sure it is him who speaks until he look up to find Yuri staring him somewhere between perplexed and about to lose it. Raven takes a breath and locks his eyes with Yuri’s. This was going to really suck. “You took me in. You claimed me as Brave Vesperia’s to make up for my mistakes I have every right to know why you want me to leave.”

At Raven’s refusal, Yuri feels himself go cold with fury. His hands clench at his sides and he’s just vaguely aware of Repede giving his hand a concerned snuffle even as his vision goes slightly grey around the edges.

“The hell is this?” he whispers, so furious that he can’t even raise his voice. “What the hell? You have the gall to even ask?”

Raven just watches him and that silence is what breaks Yuri’s quiet.

“You want to know why?” He snarls and has to fight to keep his voice from pitching into a shout. “It’s because I can’t _stand_ you. I can’t look at you and I sure as hell can’t trust you! You….I was wrong when I let you stick around. I should have never….” He trails off. “Just go.”

Raven doesn’t move.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Yuri’s sure that yesterday, Raven would have thoughtless done anything he said, anything to try and make up for his mistakes. Because he belonged to Brave Vesperia. Because he… because Raven doesn’t think for himself. What changed? Why won’t he listen now? Couldn’t he see that _he_ was the problem?

Yuri grits his teeth. “You said you were willing to die, why aren’t you willing to _leave_. Why do you deserve an answer?”

Raven takes a breath and locks eyes with Yuri. _Because today is not yesterday. Yesterday was before last night._ And how is he ever going to explain that to Yuri without completely losing it?

“Maybe because I _was_ willing to die? Because I was willing and you didn’t let me and then you, _you_ Yuri, made me some detached part of your guild and that is _your_ duty as a guild leader. Your duty to your members- even people like me who aren’t _really_ a member. You didn’t take in Repede and give him a name just to take him for a walk one day and come back alone.” Raven sighs, trying to calm the rising frustration in his voice. He feels like such a hypocrite, saying these things. Spouting off about honor and duty when he’s never really understood the meaning of those words before.

Well, not entirely true. He knows the meaning very well; he just spent ten years blaspheming them and he’s sure the irony isn’t getting past Yuri. “Look, I don’t really know how to help you. If it’s easier, I’d tell ya to go right on hating me, but I can’t do that because I can’t leave right now.”

“ _That_ is why I can’t stand you!” Yuri’s voice suddenly raises and his cheeks flush as he whips an arm out to the side. Raven jumps. “You hate yourself more than anyone else walking this damned world and that’s so..it’s pathetic that you think you can get away with everything you’ve done by calling yourself the bad guy or even just by dying. That’s not how it works!”

 _Get away with?_ Raven’s never really looked at it that way. It makes sense. Kind of. He’s never wanted to get away with anything, though. He’s always wanted to pay for the lies he’s told and the people he’s hurt. But ‘paying’ in Raven’s mind wasn’t to keep on living and that’s where he and Yuri start to see things very _very_ differently. That’s where Yuri sees things more like the princess. More…kindly. Sort of.

Because in Raven’s mind he still has to pay for surviving when he should have died and there is really only way to go about doing that. Maybe Yuri’s right, though. Maybe he is just trying to find an easy way out. Maybe he is giving up and just rolling over like the dog that he is.

So what does he have to do? What can he possibly do to make up for it all? That’s what he’s been so tied up on. He can’t figure it out. He doesn’t get it all and that’s probably because he does hate himself. He really really does.

So if he can’t forgive himself how on earth can he figure out how to get others to forgive him? Or except their forgiveness, like Estelle’s. He just doesn’t get it because he was going to atone for his sin. He was going to make up for it. In that damned fortress under that damn ceiling that didn’t quite crush him where his damn loyal soldiers had to dig him out into the damned sunlight and tell him to go after Yuri and the others.

_Damn it all_

“You don’t friggin’ get it at all.” Yuri continues to fume, clenching his fists in the fabric at his thighs. “Who do you help if you just roll over and die? Who cares about remorse when you’re dead? Dying doesn’t make up for shit!”

Raven just stares at him and look bewildered and his confusion only makes Yuri feel all the more furious. If Raven can just walk around hating himself, who’s to say that the self-loathing in Yuri won’t eventually make him feel the same?

They’ve both made their mistakes, Yuri knows, but there there similarities end and Yuri can’t stand it.

The feelings that Yuri’s been desperately trying to squash threaten to come up and overwhelm him, and for a moment, all he can think of is the rush of air around his ears as the wind picks up, pressing at his back and how it mimics how it felt falling to the ocean from Zaude. He closes his eyes as he remembers the stabbing agony in his side and feeling nothing but terror, and then later when he awoke, the shame that pools dark and liquid in his gut.

He’d never been so afraid before.

Oh, he’s been afraid, but it was always _for_ something. Usually something worth fighting for. If he’d died after Zaude he’d have died for _nothing_ and that scares him more than anything. He hates it more than he can even say, and sometimes he’s so afraid that he hates himself for it as much as he hates Sodia for doing that to him in the first place.

Yuri hates being afraid, but more than that he hates the idea of not being enough. He can’t be afraid now, not when so much matters. The fear makes him angry and he uses it for all it’s worth. Some people don’t see the use in anger, Yuri’s not one of them.

“Look, I know you told Estelle something and I know that she gets it. We don’t! How do you expect anyone to trust you in you’re walking around with all your secrets hidden up your sleeves?”

Raven draws in a sharp breath and suddenly finds himself standing. “No.” He says curtly and in a tone he’d never thought he would ever have to use again in his life. The swift objection of a commander to a soldier, an adult to a child, a teacher to a student. “You stop right there.”

And Yuri’s jaw drops. This is only the second time that Yuri’s ever seen him raise his voice- the first only being a couple hours ago, but Raven doesn’t care. Right now? He’s mad. He’s mad just like he was earlier.

Mad because he keeps forgetting that everyone in that camp is a child that he’s failed to protect. That he’s failed, period. Made that he’s mad because they don’t get it, but, how could they? _How could they_? They’re so young and fortunate enough not to have seen everything he has.

_It’s decided then._

He has to fight for something, right? That’s what Estelle told him last night. So he’s going to fight for these kids. Fight the battles that they shouldn’t have to. That’s going to require teaching them, too. So they can avoid the mistakes he’s made and he’s going to start _now_.

He’s got no idea how, but he’s got to try.

Raven doesn’t attempt to lower his voice. He knows that everyone else in camp is too tired to wake up or, if they’re Judy, smart enough to know not to intrude. “You’re not allowed to sit there and talk about secrets, Yuri. No one here is. We’re all human-“ And Raven has to not add the obvious ending to that statement. “We all make mistakes, we all keep our secrets.”

“Obviously!” Yuri stands up to meet Raven eye to eye. “And yet you knew a whole bunch of them this afternoon!”

_Ah._

“Don’t change the subject, Yuri. I’ve been wandering the back allies of Zaphias long before you and Flynn were barely out of your diapers and playing knights near the dump in the lower quarter.” Yuri freezes. “You used to use a wooden spoon which you probably stole from the Inn and he had wooden rod that suspiciously matched the rods that held up the awning over the fruit stall in the market place- the one that was missing it’s back strut and was tied together with string instead.”

Raven shakes his head, trying to calm the welling frustration inside him. He wants to continue- he wants to remind Yuri about the group of soldiers that would bring food to the lower quarter. The group that was led by a female captain who wielded a bow. How the first time he saw Yuri he held the same contempt in his glare that he’s seeing now and that that is somehow both terrifying and hilarious?

No, he has to focus. That story won’t help here. Not now.

“Don’t forget what else was said this afternoon.” Raven takes a step closer to Yuri and Yuri holds his ground. _Good_. “Estelle put us all in our place and you know what? I didn’t even realize it, but what she said about you guys was true. You did- no you _do_ \- treat me like crap, but I never cared. I still don’t, to be honest-“

“We gave you a chance!” Yuri cuts in as his fist curl by his sides again and Raven shifts his feet a little in case one or both came flying at him.

Still Raven doesn’t back down. “No you didn’t. Not at all! You knew from the moment I tagged along in Kaev Moc that I was there because The Don sent me. You never gave me chance at all, Yuri. You tolerated my presence- you even _said_ that yourself. Maybe somewhere down the line I gave you some crazy reason to actually be upset about me being a- a traitor,” _And for that I don’t deserve a second chance…but,_ “But you never changed to show me otherwise. You always just… accepted me being there. Then you rope me in and say I can’t leave, but when you suddenly decide that that was a bad idea you cut me off?”

“What’s your point? I have every right to do that.”

“The point, Yuri Lowell, is you _made me the villain_!”

Yuri flinches.

“And you’re still making me the villain even though you claim to want me as part of your group. It’s easier that way, I get it, but it’s not fair because no matter how many ways you come from behind, I am still _human_ Yuri.” And did that feel weird to admit after all these years of considering himself a walking dead man. “But you all call me a hypocrite and I am, in many ways, but that doesn’t man you can’t look at yourselves and say you’re innocent.

“I know people, Yuri. I know them better than anyone here and that will probably be the only thing you ever hear me boast about. Everyone has their secrets; everyone is a hypocrite and you are no exception to that rule. Of everyone in this camp, I think you’re closer to me on that scale and I think _that_ is exactly what is going on right now.”

Yuri’s open jaw snaps shut and Raven can’t help but smirk at him a little before his lips fall back to a frown. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes praying that the headache he’s been fighting all night doesn’t get any worse because he can hardly stand up straight right now.

“You’re just as scared of turning into me as I am. The last thing I want you to do is end up like me, but you are well on your way and you want to know why?” Raven’s not sure why he keeps asking questions because he’s not going to let Yuri answer. Maybe it’s a habit he’s adopted from always having to take orders without questions. He could never tell anyone how it was. He always had to do a careful dance and make sure not to crack the thin ice he was constantly walking over. This time he has every right to say it out flat; plain and simple.

“You’re walking around here keeping your own lies locked up and that’s the best way of becoming a scumbag like myself. Lies eat at you and pretty soon you wont be able to remember which parts were the lies and which parts were the truths and you won’t be able to turn to anyone for help because they don’t know what’s going on, and no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to trust them.”

Yuri’s cheeks flush. “What the _hell_ could you know about what I carry around, Raven?”

“Exactly!” Raven holds out both hands towards Yuri and closes his fists tight. “You can’t say you don’t trust me because I’m hiding something. You can’t because that is the exact reason I can’t trust you!”

Raven’s never really thought about it this way before. That maybe part of the reason he’s having such a hard time forgiving himself is because he really was hurt by everyone. That he really did want to be a part of something and that these kids were a step closer to him feeling human and like someone that belonged for the first time in forever.

First time in ten years, at least.

They could see everything he hated in himself and they just rubbed in his face, all the while doing the same thing. He didn’t mind before, he thought they had every right. Why should they trust him? They had no reason to so they definitely didn’t have to spill their secrets to him, but now that they want him to join their group? Now that all of them are getting angry with him for not acting like he belongs?

He needs a reason just as much as they do.

“Yuri.” Raven says finally bringing his voice down and now it almost sounds a little pathetic, like he’s pleading. In a way, he is, but the truth is the truth. “You can’t expect me to be the only one to change around here. We’re all depending on each other and think today proved that more than anything else.”

Yuri can’t tell him, he knows that much. He can’t tell anyone. Not Flynn or Estelle, nor Karol, not Judy or Rita. He can’t tell Raven. His are heavy secrets to keep and Yuri can’t tell a soul. Is this how Raven feels? Yuri’s never had to hold something so close before. There was nothing he couldn’t tell his best friends, not until now. Not until Zaude.

It’s the most important secret that Yuri’s ever had and he can’t tell a single person. He feels kind of sick to his stomach and Yuri’s suddenly pretty grateful that he didn’t eat dinner.

 _I can’t tell him. I can’t_.

Shit. Raven’s right.

Raven watches carefully as Yuri slowly goes paler and his eyes go darker. He knows exactly what’s going thorough the kid’s mind because it’s exactly what goes through Raven’s anytime someone steps close to his own secrets.

 _This is odd_. Raven can’t help but think that maybe this is exactly how Estelle felt last night. Did she feel this desperate to save him? Did she feel this hurt to see him so lost? If so, he’s got to apologize again sometime to her. Yuri thinks he’s alone in this just like Raven had. He already thinks he can’t trust anyone and this is Raven’s only chance to save him. Just like last night was Estelle’s only chance to save Raven.

He’s not going to let this kid slip. Not on his life.

“Yuri,” Raven says softly, but commanding enough that Yuri looks up at him. “I get it.”

“No. You. Don’t.” Yuri practically growls and backs away from Raven and Raven follows.

“No, I _really_ think I do.” Raven dashes forward and with a quick jab gets Yuri in his right side with two fingers and Yuri drops like a stone to the ground with a strangled gasp. Repede lets out a surprised yelp and jumps to his feet growling just the tiniest bit at Raven.

He has to do this. For Yuri. For everyone here, because they need Yuri. Even if it means by the time the sun comes up he’s got to be as far away from this camp if Yuri wishes that to still be a thing after everything is said and done and the campfire is nothing but a giant pile of embers.

Yuri looks up at Raven and for a moment it looks like he might be sick, but instead wide, watery eyes, lock with his. “How?” Yuri chokes out between pain filled gasps. “How…do you know?”


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowow! I'm so happy you all have enjoyed this! Seriously, you all are actually the best! =) 
> 
> Anywho, this is waaaaay longer than I was anticipating. Really it should be two more chapters, but the flow just isn't right if I break it up. So apologies! (But not really)
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: This was written before some of the additional Vesperia media came out so there are a few character details that are not 'cannon'. Mostly I am referring to Raven's backstory with the Don because his manga was only just starting and was not at that part in its plot! Same with a couple details about Flynn. I am not changing it!

The pain that shoots through Yuri’s body at that one touch is unbelievable and the next second, Yuri’s staring up at Raven through watery eyes. His breaths come shallow and instinctively his hand curls around the scar that sit innocuously on his side. The scar that still hurts when he moves certain ways, the scar that’s been pretty much constantly red around the edges since Yuri was "better', the scar that Yuri hid from Estelle and wouldn’t tell her about and, by proxy, wouldn’t let her heal. The scar that represents his most shameful secret.

The scar that Sodia gave him.

He wishes now that he’d let her heal it. That he’d have had time to create a cover story so that he wouldn’t have to hide it all the time and worry perpetually that one day someone was going to see it and ask questions he couldn’t answer. And if Estelle found out what he’d been carrying around? If _Karol_ found out what he was carrying around? Yuri doesn’t think he can take it.

But somehow, Raven knows.

“How?” Spirits, he can’t catch his breath. “ _How_ … do you know?”

Raven kneels down and grabs Yuri’s hand, peeling it away form his side and puts his own hand there. “Do you really think I’m _that_ stupid?”

A flash of light and Raven lets a small shock of healing wrap itself around Yuri’s waist. He’s no Estelle, he is barely a healer by any means, but he can at least ease some of the tension for a little bit. Yuri doesn’t look up at him and remains on his knees as Raven pushes back and stands.

Honestly, Raven was expecting worse. He knew this would happen eventually. Knowing something like this wasn’t something Raven could hide forever, but he also knew it wasn’t going to be a ‘hey lets sit down and talk for a moment’ thing either.

Raven crosses his arms and looks down at Yuri, shaking slightly in the wet grass and sighs. “Yuri, I was bred these past ten years to observe people and their actions. It doesn’t take a genius to put the pieces of this puzzle together.” Granted in his defense he had more piece that anyone else did. He had the key piece, in fact. It was sitting at the bottom his bag just across the fire ring. Same place it’s been since they sailed away from Zaude.

That’s where Raven heads and Yuri catches his breath and slowly uncurls himself and stands, slowly. Repede hugs the young man’s knees just in case and keep his eyes on Raven, ears flat against his head.

It doesn’t take long to find what he needs and Raven turns back around to Yuri who is too busy keeping eye contact to notice what Raven is holding. The archer crosses the camp and holds it out, but Yuri’s dark eyes don’t budge. It’s not until Raven deliberately breaks that connection by blinking that his gaze shifts.

Yuri looks down, wavers, and takes two solid steps back.

The dagger Raven is holding isn’t anything very special. There’s a thousand just like it. The standard issue knight’s knife that every knight straps to their hip, opposite their issued sword. This one, however, isn’t Raven’s. He turned his into Flynn the day he resigned as Captain Schwann.

This dagger belonged to a young solider. A young lieutenant who, in light of recent events, was probably going to become a captain to the new commandant. A loyal solider who has stood by Flynn’s side for quite some time now.

_Sodia_.

Yuri loses all of his breath from his lungs and then chokes on it, making little more than a hoarse, wheezing sound at the sight of the dagger. He finds he can’t look away from it.

The last time he’d seen that knife it had been going into his side and there’d been nothing but pain. He feels the pull and drag of the blade every time he moves wrong and his side twinges. That knife represents Yuri’s failures, his inadequacy, that after all they’d been though, it could have been one of Flynn’s own knights that did him in. Not a monster, not an entelexeia, not the Adephagos. Just a normal human being.

It was the last thing he saw, glinting in the sunlight as he tumbled towards the earth, stained red and gripped between two shaking hands. He watched it fall from Sodia’s grasp just before blackness had taken him.

Yuri took another step back, like that could get him away from all of this. It was no use, though. Raven matched him step for step, insufferably calm with that unbearable look of knowing his face. Yuri hates that look, he hates it even more because he can’t even accuse him of bluffing or bullshitting.

The knife is proof enough for him.

Raven knows. Raven knows exactly what that dagger belongs to or he’d never deign to carry it, not after resigning from the knights. Funny, how even after all this, Yuri knows that Raven has enough honor to not do such a thing for no reason. He knows exactly what that dagger means to Yuri, otherwise he has no need to offer it to him now.

Yuri sort of wishes that Sodia had just kicked it off the damned ledge right along with him. And yet…

There’s also something that feels, maybe, like the beginning of relief.

“ _Where did you get that?!_ ” Yuri doesn’t recognize the voice that comes out of him. It’s too high, too desperate, too afraid to ever be his.

“You know exactly where I got it.” Raven drops his hands now, still holding onto the dagger in one, tight fist. With his free hand he dips down and pats Repede real quick. The dog backs up between Yuri’s legs, growling slightly. “Repede found it, actually. Just after the apatheia came down and we had no idea that you fell. I ran into Sodia just before we found it and it didn’t take a lot of math to figure it all out.”

Yuri looks at him in complete disbelief. “W…why didn’t you-“

Raven shakes his head quickly. “That wasn’t my place. If there’s one thing I know, it’s my role in matters like these. It wasn’t my business… entirely.”

Because he did try to give the dagger back to its owner. No regrets about that one.

Honestly, Raven kind of feels like an idiot. He probably _should_ have told someone, mostly Flynn or Estelle, but there was far too much other junk going on and it really wasn’t his business. Not at that point, anyway. Not right after they’d killed Alexei and he’d admitted his betrayal, and everyone pretty much wished _he’d_ been the one that had fallen off the top of that shrine.

He’d even left at one point. Using the need to take Yeager’s body back to his guild as some lame excuse, but he wasn’t wanted around Raven can take a clue when it’s chucked right into his face. Not to mention it was hard enough watching everyone run themselves into the ground looking for Yuri, let alone trying to keep his knowledge from just bursting out at Flynn or Estelle or Karol.

“Damn it, Yuri, it wasn’t my place, but it was hard keepin’ my mouth shut.” Raven shakes his head and sits down hard on log closest to him. “I didn’t know what to do that week, watching everyone run themselves to an early grave lookin’ for you. Then you showed up again and it didn’t take long to figure out you were gunna keep hiding the truth and then I really had no idea what to do.

“I could have told someone, but you would have hated me even more for it. So I kept my mouth shut. You still hate me for it. I kept your secret, but I’m not allowed to keep my own?”

Yuri flinches again and some of the rage in his eyes dies down, but not nearly enough. He’s still angry, but maybe he gets Raven’s point.

What is really unfair here, is that this conversation started out about Raven and now it’s completely turns around and come at Yuri from behind. _Really not fair_. This wasn’t supposed to be about him and his failures.

But damn it all to hell, Raven is right. As he so often is.

Yuri hates it. He hates that he’s right and he hates his own hypocrisy. He hates that Raven won’t just roll over and listen to him and that a good part of him knows that they _need_ him to get through this. Raven’s smart, he’s driven, and he’s seen more of the world than any of them, including Karol. And another part of Yuri knows Raven’s devotion to his orders.

It’s just that up until recently, those orders haven’t been coming from Yuri.

“And you just expect me to what? Trust you? Just because you know about how I got thrown off Zaude? What are you going to do, give me some kindly, old man spiel about how things are magically going to be better now that we have a secret that’s just between us? How does that change anything?” Yuri’s voice is spitting mad and he backs away from Raven another step even though the older man is sitting and shows no signs of following this time. Repede goes with him, thank goodness for that, because he doesn’t know if he’d be standing otherwise.

He’s shaking so bad.

“This doesn’t change anything, Raven. This isn’t about me!”

Except that it is. Only a fraction of this is because of Raven’s deeds, or rather, misdeeds. This is all about Yuri; what Raven is to Yuri, what Yuri can’t seems to do, and the fact that Yuri can’t seem to get his head together.

“This is as much about you as it is about me.” Raven crosses his arms over his chest and pauses. Maybe that wasn’t entirely true. This was mostly about him….so maybe if he gave something to Yuri, Yuri might be willing to give something back?

It’s not exactly the way things went with Estelle last night, but he’s not Estelle and Yuri isn’t him. He knows Yuri- a tough young man who’s seen more in his age than most and conquered even more. A boy who is out to save the world, his own reputation be damned, because it’s something he believes in more than anything else.

Raven knows Yuri well. Because Raven was once just like Yuri. And he was also in this exact position once.

Sort of.

“You know,” Raven starts out slowly. He has no idea where this is going to take everything, but he really doesn’t have a whole lot to lose right now. “My secret was found out too. A long time ago.”

Yuri raises an eyebrow clearly confused about why this conversation is going even further from its intended path. Raven takes a breath for himself. _I’m right here with you. Just hear me out?_

“The Don knew.”

“He what?!” For a good few seconds all Yuri can do is stare, wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the man sitting in the flickering light of the fire. He can’t connect what he’d seen and heard of the Don with someone who’d knowingly let someone belonging to the enemy spy on him. He just couldn’t. The Don had been upright and utterly devoted to the guilds, and the idea that he would know about Raven’s loyalties and _let him live_? It was nearly unthinkable.

“He knew who I was and he knew what my job was.” Raven lets out a short laugh and shakes his head. It’s a ridiculous story and he’s never realized just how relevant it really is. “Nothing got past Don Whitehorse. _Nothing_.”

“And you expect me to believe that he figured it all out and then _let_ you stick around?”

Raven shrugs. “I know it seems pretty absurd. There was a monster attack on Dahngrest and I wasn’t anything more than a plebe in guild standards. A couple jobs under my belt with every intention of crawling my way up to spy on the union. In the middle of the battle, right in the middle of everything, Don stops and tells me that I have the weirdest archery kills he’s ever seen. You know what? That terrified me.”

_Okay…but what does this have to do with-_

Yuri mentally trips and finds his eyes wandering to Raven’s chest. From the outside it looks normal enough. Raven’s small frame is hidden under his over sized jacket and baggy pants, but Yuri always though that was just a thing Raven did to hide a potential weakness- like Karol using an over sized ax or hammer.

Of course, he found out later it was to cover up his blastia, but Yuri’s never taken the time to really think about that. It was disgusting and horrid and makes his stomach twist just thinking about the fact that the same jewel sitting on his wrist is what’s keeping a man alive. And only because some other person decided to experiment for funsies.

That blastia ran… _runs_ everything in Raven’s life. Figuratively and literally. Everything Raven was and is, is because of that damned gem. _Everything_.

Kind of like his scar has these past few weeks. A lame comparison, but Yuri’s had to change a lot in his lifestyle to hide that wicked mar on his skin. His clothes, how he wears his belt, which side he sleeps on. Everything up to his fighting style he was always fluid and agile, but now if he turns a certain way or jolts too fast, he risks pain and through that pain he risks revealing everything.

So Yuri gets that part. When someone spots something about you that may seem like an innocuous thing or a passing comment, but it makes your blood run cold. Everyone in their group at some point has said something since Zaude that made the air catch in Yuri’s throat. Things like him being a little short of breath when he usually wouldn’t be or a twitch of pain they saw cross his face during battle, or a snarky comment on how Yuri’s suddenly become way more conservative in the way he bathes.

Raven’s had to do the same thing. Now that he thinks about it, Yuri’s never seen him use his left arm fully in battle. He spins and flips, and twists, but his arms never go above shoulder length. He holds his dagger with his left hand when we runs and it’s probably not to make sure his belt doesn’t fall. Even in the way Raven swims. Yuri noticed it when they were crossing some of the flooded rooms in Zaude. Raven never stretches forward like everyone else; he kind of bobs like a jellyfish and while Yuri definitely took the opportunity to make fun of Raven for it, he kind of knew why he swam like that.

Why Raven fights like he does, why he moves like he does. It just never fully clicked before now.

“You…?” Yuri can’t quite get it out. He can’t have this much in common with Raven. But he can and he does, but that only means he’s just that much more like him. That much more the liar and villain.

That much more he’s scared he can’t get away from.

Raven puts a hand to his chest and pushes ignoring the way his cheeks automatically grimace. It hurts. It _hurts_. “Yeah. I just told the Don I was self taught. Not really all that into the whole master and apprentice thing.” _Ironically_. “He didn’t buy it, of course, but he didn’t ask any questions either. Two weeks later I took a monster claw to the back for him and everyone got something of a surprise when they took me to a healer. I woke up four days later in a jail cell with the leader of the Guild Union at my throat knowing full well who I was, who I was working for, and why.”

“And he let you live?”

“Yeah,” Raven closes his eyes and lets his hand from his chest. Again, he hadn’t been allowed to die. He was hoping to do so just as much then as he was with Yuri in Baction. “Yeah, he did. Just like you did. Told me he owed me for saving his life, but I was gonna be working for him part time on the side to make up for being a lying son of a bitch and trying to get one up on him.”

And he had expected only half wanting to make it up to the Don because Raven had more respect for that man that he could ever put into words, but also half wishing Alexei would find out about him suddenly being a double agent and killing him for it.

He had been so damn lost and messed up. So so messed up.

Yuri let’s himself mull that over, lets the shock and consideration overpower the anger in him and wishes that he could find fault in Raven’s story. But no, no he’s stuck on the Don and the things he hadn’t know about him and the detail that Raven took what could have been a fatal injury for him. The contrast makes Yuri’s head hurt; the image of a man who would follow the most disgusting orders in order to keep his life but who would also throw that life away for someone else at the drop of a hat.

The balance between self-preservation and self-destruction- it gives him a headache.

And Yuri wants to fault him for it, but he can’t, not entirely, and he hates it and he hates that the anger that makes him burn, makes him even braver, has been smoothed over. To an extent, anyway, enough that he can think rationally instead of lashing out for space like a cornered animal.

And that just begs the question…

“So, why are you even here?”

“Huh?” Raven looks over at Yuri now and catches furious, narrowed eyes.

“Why are you here? Sitting here. Right now. With me.” Yuri’s voice drops to a low whisper. “Why?”

“Because,” Raven stumbled a thinks for a minute, scrunching his face. Because there’s a million things to that answer and he has no idea where to even start. Because he promised Estelle. Because he’s free of Alexei. Because he’s no longer a member of Altosk. Because his life belongs to Brave Vesperia. Because he has a blastia stuck in his chest.

Because he has no idea.

Well, he does. But he doesn’t.

Yuri takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly and not so silently in an audible sigh. There’s another question there and this one he’s having serious trouble with. How do you even word something like this? Maybe there’s no subtle way around it. It’s not like their conversation thus far has been lightly treas. Might as well just come out with it, because he has to know and this is apparently honesty hour.

“Do you really think that we, Brave Vesperia, or even I, _own_ you?”

_Oof_. This time Raven can’t keep his eye contact and looks away to close his eyes. His stomach knots in the same it had last night, when Estelle started fiddling with his hair. His hands start that small shake and Raven clamps them together; this is where he starts getting scared. Because letting go of himself is the scariest thing he’s done in ten years.

Shaking his head, Raven can barely speak above a whisper. “Kid, you have no idea how many kinds of crazy the answer to that question is.”

“Try me.”

It doesn’t sound like a challenge, which is what Raven was expecting. It almost sound like a small push. Not the kind of push that would send someone over the edge. The sort of nudge that tells someone it’s okay to keep going.

Yuri keeps eye contact and folds his arms over his chest. The more Raven talks, the more curious he becomes. It could have so easily been asked in spite and Yuri’s not a good enough person to think that he would ever be above such a trivial thing, but now he really just wants to know. He wants to know so that he doesn’t become Raven, because now he knows, reluctantly as it is, that he very well could.

And that’s the very last thing in the world he wants.

Yuri knows how he feels and he know what he wants, and now he needs to know what Raven thinks. He’s pretty positive that none of those things are even remotely the same.

“I’m serious.” Yuri repeats steadily with none of the bluster he started with. “Tell me.”

_Back to me, huh?_

Raven knows that he asked for it, though. Telling Yuri about the Don was a huge jump out onto a very high limb and if it’s one thing that Raven has to keeping reminding himself about Yuri, it is how smart the kid really is. Yuri is a master at diverting attention away from himself; almost as good as Raven is.

What is good for the most part, but bad right now.

Or maybe this is what Yuri need to hear right now. Maybe he’s looking for some excuse to keep Raven around, maybe he just needs the right words to give Yuri a little twist in his favor.

He just _won’t go_.

Which makes his sound a lot like a the dog he’s been for the past ten years. And yet not.

“I…” Raven’s mind blanks. Really it’s an easy answer. Yes. Yes he does think and feel that way. Yuri’s the one who said it, after all. But after last night? After talking to the princess?

“I do, Yuri. I do think that, but I don’t _want_ to.” Reaching up Raven tugs his hair tie, a subtle reminder of just what started that notion. For himself more than Yuri because Estelle’s really made him want to change. “I don’t want to, but I don’t know how _not_ too. Which probably sounds ridiculous to you, but that’s okay. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. It’s just been so long since I’ve cared and it’s a little weird because no matter how hard I try, I can’t really remember what it was like before I was… well this.”

Raven picks up a corner of his jacket and lets it drop unceremoniously. Sure he knows who he was and how he acted. He knew who he loved and what he cared about. But remember how it felt to be Damuron? Raven’s been trying to do that all day and it just isn’t possible. He’s been too stretched for too long.

Which is why he need to kind of start over again, but he realizes now that he can’t do that unless he’s a free man. And in the end, that is Yuri’s call for more than one reason. Yeah, in a way Raven needs to hear it kind of like an order. On the other hand?

Well. A certain newly appointed commandant would have a few words for Raven and probably another black eye in waiting.

Yuri chews on that for a while and is reminded, not for the first time, that this would all be so much easier if he could merely think of Raven as a dog. But he can’t. He doesn’t even understand why he can’t, whether it stems from some weakness in himself or otherwise. It’d be easier to hate.

But at his core, Yuri just _can’t_.

He’s furious and hurt and betrayed but for some reason he can’t bring himself to hate. Above all, he can’t bring himself to do the same thing as Alexei, who clearly only ever saw Raven as a tool. It makes his skin crawl.

And then there’s the fact that Raven doesn’t want it either. He doesn’t want it, and Yuri can’t remember the last time the man _wanted_ anything, at least enough to voice it aloud, enough to admit it. Raven doesn’t want things, he just _does_ things, any honestly, if Yuri’s thinking about it, that’s pretty messed up.

Because if Raven hasn’t wanted something in a long time and this is the first thing he’s reaching for then it’s been a disgustingly long time since Raven’s even been given the _choice_.

“What…what were you?” Yuri suddenly finds himself asking the question he’s been wanting to ask Raven since he strode out in that Captains uniform in the basement of Baction. “Before all this…what-“ _No, not what._ “ _Who_ were you? Were you Schwann or were you Raven?”

Raven chokes. On air, on words on…nothing in particular, but his chest seizes and his throat closes and he makes that sad pathetic strangled cry somewhere inside himself and looks up wide eyed at Yuri. _He actually asked the question_. Yuri asked _the_ question. The one question that Raven _cannot_ answer.

No way. No how. He just _can’t_. There’s too much wrapped up in the answer that he needs to sort out himself before he can go talking about it again. Because he can't even start some kind of semblance of an answer.

After last night he needs time. Time before he can think about it and not shut down immediately.

_Heh_. Last night really had been some kind of miracle.

Raven eventually shakes his head and clasps his now shaking hands together. He doesn’t know what to say, but he can’t just…not answer. That would be the end of this conversation and he’d be gone. So what does he tell Yuri? What can he tell Yuri without going to the edge like he did last night? What can he give Yuri that won’t hurt his case even more… if that’s even possible right now.

Yuri Lowell who is a guild leader. Yuri Lowell who is an ex-knight. Yuri Lowell who is the best friend to the Princess of an empire and its commandant. Yuri Lowell who befriends the enemies and makes them the good guys.

“I…I was a knight.” Raven stutters out in a bare whisper as he drops his head into his hands. “I always was. A knight and then a Captain.” _And then a failure, then a spy, then a traitor._ “But that’s all I got for you. I don’t really know if I can give you an honest answer.”

Because he ran out of honesty on that particular subject last night with Estelle. It was too much at one time.

Plain. Simple. And about as far into that conversation as Raven is going to go. He just hopes Yuri is okay with that…or even if he isn’t that he at least gets it. Gets that this is something Raven just can’t do.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out, really.” Raven picks his head up and stares in the fire. The flames and smoke are no different from last night. From the smells and sounds that brought about a revolution in his mind. “Because maybe if I can answer that, then maybe I can figure out right now a little easier?” He shakes his head again. “Ah, forget it. I’m not making any sense.”

Yuri frowns as Raven suddenly drives his palms into his temples for a moment. If there as a physical way to break a person with words Yuri fears he might have just done it. He always knew Raven was messed up- who wasn’t in a world like this? After everything he’s seen? Someone as pure and innocent as Estelle something from a fairy tale book.

But Raven is more broken than Yuri thought. Raven is… _scared_. Raven doesn’t get scared. Not once has _ever_ seen fear in the older man’s eyes and even if Yuri can’t see Raven’s face, he doesn’t need to. He can’t _hear_ it. Hear it in his barely audible answer. He can see it clear as day.

And it suddenly dawns on Yuri that this might be the most vulnerable and honest he’s ever seen Raven before.

Military it was; which made sense. What little Yuri saw of Raven as Schwann or with his subordinates, he always seemed so much more…genuine.

Maybe if Yuri had done things differently, he wouldn’t need to ask these things. Maybe he would have been able to sway Raven from Alexei’s plans sooner. That would have spared everyone involved a world of pain. Or maybe it wouldn’t have.

“Look,” Yuri begins as he crosses the distance between him and the fire pit and slides onto a log and meets Raven square in the eyes. “I don’t know the answer to that, I don’t know how to help you find that answer, but I think someone can and already has; something is already different. What happened last night with you and Estelle?”

_Fair enough_. Raven thinks, his stomach twisting a little more. It’s a pretty easy question to answer all things considered for the moment. Well sort of, because he can give Yuri an outline, but the details? Not so much.

After all, that was a story he’d sword to never tell and it’s left him hurting and open and everything he can’t just walk around and redo. To open again…not now. Not tomorrow. Hell, not next week. Especially not with Yuri because Yuri is looking for something different than Estelle was. Maybe he’s looking for where Raven is coming from in all this, but its not a life story like he told Estelle. Which is why he told him about the Don, but that was going just about as far as Raven thinks he can go for one night.

So how does he answer this?

“You know how she hasn’t been sleeping much? Well this time she joined me on my watch. Accidentally, but there it is.” Raven starts. All true, but the next part has the catch to it. “We- we started talking and got into a rather heavy conversation.”

“About what?”

“Lot’s of things, but mostly me and what I did.” Raven raises his eyebrows even though he turns away from Yuri. “It was a conversation she needed to have and, as it turns out, so did I.”

Which is true. So very true. He didn’t realize how much he needed Estelle’s forgiveness until he got down on his knees. It was a big part of what’s held Raven back all this time since Zaude. A lot of people would be embarrassed to admit something like that, but Raven knows when to admit his wrongs. If it’s one thing all these years have taught him, it’s owning what you’ve done. Owning all of it; the actions, the words, and the reasons behind it.

Yuri is clearly not entirely happy with such a vague answer, but Raven shakes his head. “It’s not right for me to be giving you all the details alone.” Raven says catching Yuri in the eye to make sure he knows not to go there. Because for as much as he can’t go into it, its not right by Estelle. She let go of a part of herself as well and just like she swore to hold his name in silence he’ll hold those secrets too. “That’s a conversation to have when the princess is here, but I can tell you she was angry. Angry and scared and everything a girl should be after something like that happens.

“In the end, the core of it, was that she doesn’t hate me. Which, believe me Yuri, is beyond this old man’s logic. She believes in fairness and giving everyone an equal chance. I’d call it naïve, but I think that’s an easy way to write off something I just don’t understand. I could also call it ignorance on my part, but it’s the concrete truth that I don’t know what it’s like to be considered…”

_Human_? Raven can’t say it. It’s either too soon or still too weird to wrap his head around. He was going to have to work _really_ hard on fixing that. Somehow, because right now? He has _no idea_ where to even start.

Raven sighs, dismissing his last sentence. “If you want answer to that part of it all you’re going to have to that that up with the princess herself. I just don’t get it.”

Which is what he’s going to work on in the up and coming days. He knows there is no way he possible change and keeping living in a way he _wants_ without being able to understand how Estelle could save him. Believe in him. Karol, Judy, hell, even Yuri for that matter. They might be mad at him right now, but if there’s room in Estelle for forgiveness, there room in the rest of them.

There’s room in himself. Somewhere.

Yuri clenches his jaw. Despite it all, a part of him still wants to hold out for some simple, magic answer; the kind he knows doesn’t actually exist. And at the same time Yuri appreciated something about the lack of answer that he didn’t really expect, that Raven’s holding back not for his own sake, but for Estelle’s. Oh, he knows that its not for her entirely, but the truth’s there and he can’t ignore it.

It’s obvious that Estelle must have confided something in Raven, something that is necessary for him to keep her confidence. Which also means that she likely knows quite a bit more about him as well.

Yuri can’t trust Raven unless he understands, but he can’t understand unless Raven is willing to talk. But Raven can’t tell him anything without betraying Estelle, which means that he’s loyal to her, which is… well- it’s a really good thing.

Still, Yuri’s running himself in mental circles. This is so messed up.

Anyone else might not have seen the need for forgiveness or for trust. It should have been enough for Raven to put his life in Yuri’s hands to make up for all the wrong he’s done. There should not have been a need for forgiveness. There should not have been a need to trust again.

And yet part of him wants to and doesn’t know how.

The part of him that had cared for Raven as a part of their group even though he hadn’t ever shown it properly wants to forgive him, because Yuri doesn’t know how he can do this if he can’t. They have such an unbelievable job to do- saving the _world_ , and it’s going to take more than Yuri has by himself. It’s going to take all of them and he knows that somehow, if he wants Raven to stay with them, he has to find some way to trust him and he can’t do that with the way things are right now.

The only way he knows how to do that is to get the answers he needs, because he needs to find a reason. Flynn would probably call it closure.

“Estelle knows more than people give her credit for.” Yuri responds eventually. It’s easy for jaded people to call her stupid- hell, Yuri thought she was a bit of an idiot at first until he got to know her, and that’s not it at all. It’d be so much easier to do this if she were _here_ for this, but he can’t do that to her after today. They’re a wreck, all of them, but if someone deserves a good night’s rest, it’s her.

It anyone is actually sleeping right now, it’ll probably be her.

“It might not be easy but she knows how to forgive.”

“Er…” Raven doesn’t really know how to respond to that. It’s not much of a compliment, but at the same time it isn’t really an insult either. “I’ll be the first to admit I never expected it from any of you. I still don’t.”

Because it’s only been a day since his talk with Estelle. It’s only been a handful of hours since he’s said he’ll try his best to wrap his mind around the concept of forgiveness. He’s started, but isn’t that the hardest part? For every step he takes in trying to convince himself, the mud around his ankles get thicker with doubt and threatens to swallow him whole.

He’ll just leave out the part where Yuri is the last person he has ever expected forgiveness from. It used to be Estelle, and rightfully so, but she wouldn’t have it that way.

So the fact that Yuri, for some reason, _wants_ to forgive him? Biggest surprise yet, but not something he’s going to push away. He likes Yuri. A lot. He’s a good person and he has all the potential in the world to change _everything_. He already has changed a lot. A whole lot. Yuri Lowell has already changed the course of history for their world and in a way, Raven’s pretty honored to be a part of that.

Even if he’s the bad part of it. Which he hopes is something Yuri will understand. Actually, he knows Yuri will get that part. It’s something they share in common. Maybe that’s why Yuri is talking to him. If Yuri is anything like Raven, and he is, then the reason Yuri can’t seem to find it in himself to forgive Raven is because Raven can’t forgive himself. He said it clearly, how do you respect someone with no self-respect?

You don’t because they don’t really deserve it. So, Yuri told him to leave because with the way Raven had been acting up until last night? Well, Raven can’t blame Yuri for wanting him to go.

Before now, Raven’s been okay with that. He knew he didn’t deserve it and he also knew that if someone respected him it would compromise him and his job…jobs. So he’s kind of forgotten what it was like to know that you’ve done good and that it is okay to learn from a bad choice. It all circles back to Raven now knowing that he is going to live and not die and how scary and yet enlightening that is.

Raven glances at Yuri and can’t hep but flash a wry smirk. “Don’t tell the princess I said that ‘cause she’ll smack me a good one.”

Yuri can’t hold back the tiny upward tip of lips.

“Yeah, she would,” He replies and then goes serious once more. “Look. It’s just… it’s up to us to do this crazy thing, you know? And I can’t…” He trails off, scowls into the trees, and then restarts. “I think today showed the worst in us…all of us. And it showed the kinds of things we need to deal with if we have any hope of getting through this together.”

They all have their issues they need to work on. Rita needs to wok on her temper. Estelle is eventually going to have to face what happened to her with Alexei and move past it because right now she’s nowhere close, and Yuri…

Well, he has his issues with Raven.

“I don’t know how to forgive you,” He repeats., “I’ve never needed to.” And it’s true, Yuri thinks. His whole life it’s been so easy to hate the bad people who do bad things. Even more recently with Cumore and Ragou; it was easy. He knows in theory all about those grey areas, he’s spent his life _living_ in those grey areas, but to face them in someone else is something that he’s never had to deal with, and he doesn’t like it. Raven’s not someone he can just cut down or cut out even though he’s wronged him, and a part of Yuri knew that before he even started this conversation. He just needed to see it for himself.

And the thing is, he knows in theory but that doesn’t mean he _knows_.

“It’d be so much easier if I could just hate you.” But he cant and Yuri has enough self-awareness to know that. He liked Raven then and he knows enough about himself to know the he can like him again if he gives himself the chance.

He just doesn’t want to get hurt again. He doesn’t know if he can handle anymore agains.

Raven chuckles which causes Yuri to raise an ‘are you actually crazy’ eyebrow at him. He can’t help himself. He gets it. He gets everything Yuri is saying because he’s been there. He is there, in a lot of ways. He and Yuri have a hell of a lot in common, which is both good and bad. They get each other, but it’s the things they hate about themselves and in turn they start to hate it in the other person.

Yuri is supposed to be stronger than Raven, but maybe Yuri thinks that Raven is supposed to be stronger than him? If that’s the case he’s been on hell of a crappy role model so far. Good cause for why Yuri is so beyond the ability to forgive him at the moment.

He has to make sure that Yuri doesn’t see himself the way Raven sees himself. How Raven hates those dark parts of his past and present just as much as anyone else in that camp does. If not more than the rest of them. Hating yourself doesn’t help anything. Yuri can’t go there, not like Raven did. He’ll end up in a hole that is nearly impossible to climb back out of. In a way, it sounds like Yuri is already there. So Raven’s just going to have to pull him out.

Luckily for him it’s obvious Yuri doesn’t want to be like Raven.

“Life is always easier when you can hate.” Raven says simply. “Easier when you can hate yourself and everyone around you, because caring takes effort, right? That’s why Estelle is such a better and stronger person than you or I.”

That was something Raven used to think about a lot. A whole lot. He’s hated. He’s hated a lot of things, a lot of people, for a lot of time, but not since he met Yuri and Estelle and rest of this group. He never hated them. _Not once_. He found them endearing and hopeful and yes, absolutely infuriating at times. That’s why it was so hard to do his job. It was the first time since he Don Whitehorse that he didn’t want to carry out his orders. He didn’t want to betray someone. He didn’t want to be the bad guy.

In the end it really was his own fault. He did his job because the cold hard truth about it was that he could have said no at any time. He didn’t though, and that is why Raven thinks himself a coward. Then it gets even more twisted- how was choosing life cowardice?

It’s like Estelle said last night. _'Dying is easy.’_

She’s not the only one who said that to him either.

“I’ll tell you one reason I’m here.” Raven says and doesn’t look at Yuri even though from the corner of his eyes he can see the young man snap his head up. “Your hardheaded best friend.”

“Flynn?” Yuri’s voice does an odd twist when he says his friend’s name. He definitely wasn’t expecting him to be brought up in this conversation.

Raven nods. “You do know after you left the knights, he got bounced around to a couple brigades, including mine, before becoming a Captain, right?”

Yuri nods stiffly in response, even though he has no idea where this is going.

He actually remembers it better than he’s willing to admit. He remembers how excited and relived Flynn had been to be put with Captain Schwann, even if it was just for a brief period. Flynn had nothing but glowing praise and compliments for his new Captain and even Yuri had been surprised at how quickly Schwann had managed to gain Flynn’s confidence.

A good commander, Yuri had been told when the two of them first joined, not only knew how to be confident in his or her own abilities, but knew how to bring out the best in their subordinates too. Because no one could do it alone, not even the most powerful fighter. That was why you worked in teams in the first place. And a good commander had shown in Flynn, who’d always been strong but not always confident. It would never have worked with Cumore, who Yuri was pretty sure would have made an effort to make it so that his subordinates never made it to equal rank.

Oh, _damn_. Yuri hadn’t even gotten a chance to think about how Flynn would be feeling towards Raven and with the lot of them being stuck on a boat together during that week of hell, and Yuri hadn’t even been there to explain anything. _Damn._

“Yeah,” Yuri says eventually. “He may have mentioned it.”

Raven smirks just a tiniest bit. “After Captain Fedrok died that group was disbanded and spread out among the other troops. Some were floaters that helped out wherever it was needed the most. I was pretty happy to have him, even if I wasn’t there a whole lot. Anyway, this may or may not help my case tonight, but what the hell.” Raven shrugs at the fire. “That week after you disappeared was the definition of horrible. Honestly, kid, I thought you were done for, but I kept my mouth shut, like I told ya before. At least for a little bit.”

Raven ruffled his own bangs before he sits up and looks at Yuri. Yuri who is more than interested in what he’s saying. Yuri who will probably punch him if he doesn’t finish now.

“I didn’t want to be the one to make them stop, but when Flynn dropped ten pounds, I decided enough was enough. Besides, I had to hand in my resignation.”

Yuri flinched. Raven didn’t have to explain the particulars about the situation, and he was grateful for that. Estelle and this group aside, it hurt him _so much_ when he thought about how he’s betrayed his soldiers. He strong and loyal soldiers who didn’t deserve him as a commander. He loved them. He really did. Because like he said to Flynn, he’s a solider first and foremost. He always was a probably a part of him always will be. Schwann wasn’t a good guy- someone created by Alexei to do his bidding without question, but there was a part of Schwann that Raven was proud of.

In a way, it was the small piece of Domuron he still had left. When it had been just him and his soldiers, he felt more human than anywhere else. He could be more like what and who he wanted to be rather than everything he isn’t.

So when he had to take their princess and hand her over to harm he couldn’t bare to look them in the face. When they had run into Flynn on Heracles he hadn’t been able to look at the kid. He’d barely been able to stick around after that damned LeBlanc dug him out from the rubble of that old warehouse.

“I kinda thought for sure Flynn’d have me hanged right there, but instead he gave me a black eye and my final orders.”

And Yuri couldn’t hold in a small snort. That sounded exactly like his best friend. Punch first, then think, then act in the most levelheaded way possible. It was infuriating, really, but also what made Flynn, Flynn.

That was the biggest difference between him and Flynn. They both had a tendency to punch first, Yuri with words more than fists, but that’s where the similarities ended. It wasn’t a surprise that Flynn was somehow able to forgive Raven. Flynn had a ridiculously big heart and was way more capable of using it than Yuri was. He was more logical and level headed and somehow managed to empathize with people in a way that Yuri found himself incapable of doing.

That’s why Flynn was the solider and he wasn’t.

“Let me guess.” Yuri is guessing at all. “He told you to stick with us.”

“Something like that.” Raven nods. “He said that whatever you decided, were his orders for me.”

Yuri doesn’t even try to stop the bark of laughter that comes bubbling up in his throat. Of course, _of course_ , Flynn would. He’d be furious but he’d be able to understand better than Yuri in the way of one military guy to another; even if Schwann had been a cover, a lie. Or maybe not entire a lie. Or maybe it didn’t matter in the end because, lie or not, the effects that Schwann’s tutelage had on his soldiers was undeniable and no one could say that he’d done badly by him in the way he’d taught them, despite what his later actions had shown.

That was exactly the kind of thing Flynn would do and that’s honestly one of the things Yuri admires most about him, even if it’s also one of the most annoying things about him.

And the fact that uptight, anal-retentive Flynn trusted _Yuri_ to make the right call? To just assume that whatever he’d decided the conditions were would be appropriate- would be _enough_. To trust that whatever had been enough to satisfy Yuri would be enough for him too even though Yuri wasn’t there to say so.

Reluctantly, Yuri grins a little a hides it in his sleeve. “So you’re stuck babysitting again, huh?”

Raven blinks owlishly at him and Yuri crosses his arms over his chest.

“It’d be pretty shitty to ignore the orders of the illustrious commandant, wouldn't it? Besides, he’s already gonna deck me one the next time he sees me,” Yuri mumbles, “He’d hit me twice if I got rid of you and got killed later.”

Never mind the illogic of Flynn being able to track him down in the spirit world; he’d find a way somehow, of that Yuri has no doubts at all. Well, if Yuri was looking for an excuse to keep Raven around, this one is as good as any even though it’s probably about as deep as the short of a kiddie pool.

He’s also pretty sure that Flynn won’t be surprised to find out that Yuri’d thrown him under the wagon, and if Yuri’s lucky, he might actually let him forget about it for awhile before bringing it up again.

But there’s something else behind all this. Something that Yuri never considered. Estelle told him after they’d met back up in Zaphias that I was Raven who convinced them to stop, or rather convinced Flynn to convince her because she admitted she _never_ would have listened to Raven at the time. None of them would have, except maybe Judy. But she said that Raven told them all it was time to move on and keep working in a that he, Yuri, would want them too.

That says a lot more about Raven then Yuri realizes. It means that Raven knows a lot about Yuri. About the kind of person he is because the is _exactly_ what Yuri would have told them to do. He was happy when he saw Estelle in Zaphias, down in the lower quarter, and not because he thought she was looking for him, but because she _wasn’t_ looking for him. He knew that by the surprise in her voice when she saw him.

And Raven was the one that knew when to stop and take a step forward. That…couldn’t have been easy. Not after what he can gather up and paste together from their current conversation. Raven has no idea how to continue right now, but he managed to force the others to walk without him.

_And I was just going to- no_. No it was the heat of the moment, it would have been a very _very_ bad mistake. At least he can see that now.

Yuri looks at Raven and cocks his head to the side. “What?”

Raven raises a single eyebrow. “So, I can stay?”

Yuri nods and Raven lets out a huge breath he doesn’t realize he’s holding. It’s as if he’s been going through this whole conversation on half a lung and he has to take a few larger breaths to keep a sudden shake from trembling its way up his spine. At least one thing went okay today.

Although, now is where things get more complicated because Yuri’s not going to just let it go. That wouldn’t be very Yuri-like.

Yuri crosses his arms. “But-“

“There’s a hitch.” Raven finishes for him. “If I mess up, I’m gone. Right?”

“Something like that.” Yuri screws up his face for a moment. “It won’t be up to me entirely because that wouldn’t be fair to everyone else here?” Yuri ends the statement like a question he just realized he needed to answer for himself. He is being pretty damn selfish trying to kick Raven to the road without actually talking to anyone else. Granted, after the word part they had today, that conversation is going to come after many others.

_Not to mention Estelle would kill me in the morning._ Karol too, for that matter. Just definitely wouldn’t be happy with him either. Rita…oh who ever knows.

And now he just feels worn out.

He’s exhausted and can’t handle the emotional whiplash he’s just gone through in the span of just the last few minutes, let alone few hours of the day, but it feels good to settle on a decision and now that he can stick with it.

Today was awful and he never wants to repeat it. It’s far from over, if only because they’re all stupid humans and they all do stupid human things and they’ll inevitably do more stupid human things, but hopefully it won’t be on the same sort of scale as today. It had hurt to see his friends hurt, it hurt to hurt others, it just…

This needs to be done and Yuri’s starting with himself.

“Right,” Yuri says. “It wouldn’t be fair.” And his fingers trace the area around his scar. It hurts still but not as bad as it had been before, and he owes Raven for that too. For more than that too; from dealing with the insanity after Zaude to the small things like helping set up camp and cooking and being fast with healing when Estelle can’t be everywhere at once.

And if Yuri’s going to expect Raven to be a team player, he’s going to have to treat him like one and be one himself.

It’s not like he’s not still angry, no. But he’s not a conflicted and now at least he has other things he can balance it against and Raven’s… Yuri wants to call it useful, but that’s not quite right. Because its far more than that. Yuri’s still mad, but mostly he shaken, and the tingling feeling in his side only makes his worse because he knows what that means. Yuri’s made himself vulnerable and he doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t like that Raven’s there to see it.

At the same time he knows that Raven’s not going to say anything about it. Not when anyone else is around and not unless Yuri himself brings it up because that’s exactly what raven would want- does want- from those he’s shared things with. He’s already proven his loyalty in orders, but behind the scenes he’s proved so much more.

He’ll keep those secrets and take them to his grave if he needs to. Yuri is sure of that much, but he’s still going to have to remind himself every once and awhile because he’s just never been this vulnerable before. It’s scary, but at the same time?

It’s nice to know that someone else knows what that’s like.

“You can stay.” He repeats. “And if anything else happens, it won’t be just me you answer to.” That’s a decision he can stick with.

Raven nods. “Fair is fair.” Honestly, he wouldn’t have it any other way. He was thinking about bring up the other’s opinions earlier on in the discussion, but that would have been really unfair to Yuri. Really it just seems like the kid just needed to talk.

And who doesn’t? Today proved that much at the very least.

They’re all tired. They’re all frustrated. They’re all a little scared of that thing sweeping across the sky. They’re all still growing and learning. Raven included.

So yeah, today happened just like tomorrow will happen, but now they know how to make tomorrow better that’s what life is all about, right? _Or something_.

That’s the ultimate question that Raven’s got to answer and he has to answer it soon or nothing is going to change and nothing is going to be resolved. He owes these kids so much and if tonight hasn’t proven anything, like that it is possible to keeping moving forward or that forgiveness can be found in the least likely of places, then he’s never going to learn anything.

“Thank you.” Raven says as he stand and meet’s Yuri’s slightly confused gaze. “For the second chance.”

And he does mean that in more ways than he could ever put into words right now. Thanks for the second chance. Thanks for showing him there’s hope. Thanks for keeping him alive. Thanks for teaching him.

“More like fifteenth.” Yuri says with a wave of his hands. It’s awkward having Raven apologize to him. It’s awkward in a way that he never though he’d hear it, but at the same time he’s glad he has.

It feels icky and that’s just something he’s going to have to work on. _Later_.

“Go to bed old man. Estelle will kill me if you keel over again.” At this point even Yuri thinks he’d start to panic. It’s not that he wasn’t worried this afternoon. There was definitely a shot of fear that raced up his spine when he watched Raven hit the dirt, but he got so caught up in Estelle’s sudden turn around that he kind of forgot about it. “That thing is going to be okay, right?”

Raven doesn’t move or react for a second an Yuri raises an eyebrow. He really doesn’t want to go wake Estelle or Rita up, but he will if he has too. Guilty feelings and/or fire balls that ensue be damned.

“I guess we’ll see.” Raven says eventually. He puts a hand to his blastia for a quick second and tangles his fingers in fabric. “To be honest, I don’t really know how thins thing works. I was never able to figure it out even though I was given the chance, but it seems fine now.”

_Given the chance?_ Yuri’d love to hear the story behind that one, but that’s for another night because Raven really does look terrible. He’s beginning to think they should take the day off tomorrow, find the closest town and just crash. Spirits know the need it.

Maybe the world can wait an extra day.

Yuri crosses his arms over his chest and lets out a small ‘humph’. “Well, either way it’s off to bed with you.”

Raven frowns. “Come on, it’s like you’re sending me off to bed cause I snuck out past my curfew.”

And that does it for Yuri who lets out a short, but loud, hoot of laughter. “Don’t say things like that. It’s creepy.”

“You’re telling _me_ this?” Raven shakes his head and closes his eyes. He rocks on his heels a minute before grinding them down and turning. He considered for a moment letting Yuri go to bed instead, but he can’t.

He is absolutely exhausted. Beyond description. Beyond well…anything he could really comprehend right now. He still doesn’t feel well and now he’s even more emotionally drained than he thought possible.

And not entirely in a _bad_ way; but still tired. “Night Yuri.”

“Yeah, night.”

He waits until he can’t see Raven’s back anymore, and then slowly makes his way over to where the other man had been sitting. The knife- _the_ knife lays innocuously in the weeds, just where Raven let it fall. For a good few seconds, Yuri just stares at it.

What’s he going to do?

It’s a complicated question with an equally complicated answer that Yuri’s not entirely sure that he can tackle right then. But there’s one part of it that he knows he needs to do something about and its all wrapped up in that little blade. It really is nothing special, Yuri thinks. Just a little piece of metal and a wooden hilt that could have belong to anybody. It shouldn’t be special, but it is.

And he can’t just leave it lying there.

Yuri briefly considers pocketing it and disposing of it later, but pocketing things leads to them sticking around, and that’s about the last thing he wants.

Yuri reaches down and curls his fingers around the hilt, picking it up almost like it’s going to burn or bite him. He hates this things.

And then he reels his arm back and swings it forward with a release that sends the dagger flying into the trees and darkness. Let the wilderness have it, he thinks. Let something grow over. Let it eventually be buried. Hell, let a monster take a giant crap on it for all Yuri cares.

It’s gone. Even if Yuri went out in the morning to look for it, which he won't, he doesn’t think he’ll find it and that’s almost…

Relieving.

It feels kind of good to know that he can’t get it back even if wanted to and that it’s gone because he made it so. It’s not over, of course, not by a long shot. Not Yuri’s issues with his fall, not his issues with Raven, not anything really. But he feels now like it can start to be and that’s important.

And Yuri still has a while left of his watch. He’d really rather go to bed, but someone needs to stay up, so in the end he goes and sits down next to the remnants of their campfire, dropping his chin into his hands and watching the embers go more and more dim. This is going to be a seriously long night.

And then someone sits down beside him, and he jerks to catch sight of a familiar Krityan face.

“Judy?”

“Hey.” Is all she says. Yuri cocks an eyebrow.

“I’ve got it, you know.”

“I know.”

That would be the cue for any other person that they should just go back to bed. Not Judith, but that’s mostly because she almost certainly just ignores it, because Judith doesn’t give two hoots about social cues when they don’t suit her. Sometimes Yuri likes that about her and sometimes he very distinctly does not. He’s not sure which it is right now.

But, he’s still glad to see her.

“Just to let you know,” She says pleasantly. “I’m going to be relieving you for the second shift.”

The second shift which was in several hours.

“No need,” Yuri tells her. “I’ve got it.”

“Just to let you know,” Judy repeats in that same, perfectly cheery tone. “I’m going to be relieving you for the second shift.” Yuri hears that tone and knows its all over, that’s he’s not going to get his way on this one. Judith’s planted her feet down and she won’t be budging any time soon.

This is totally one of those times that he likes her stubbornness.

“You know you’re early.” Yuri says finally in a concession of defeat and a hand comes down to squeeze his shoulder firmly.

“I know.” Judy reaches down to pat Repede on the head. The dog’s curled around Yuri’s feet and ignores her other than an accepting grumble. “I thought you could use the company.”

Yuri doesn’t know how good of company he’s going to be, but he’s hit his heart-to-heart quota of the day and the last thing he wants to do is talk. It’s nothing against Judith, but right now he really just wants the quiet. And that’s the beautiful thing about Judy, because she understands without him having to say anything that he doesn’t feel like being sociable and is content to sit in silence. He wants the company, but he doesn’t want the complications. Just for a little bit, its nice to sit and not need anything from anybody.

So that’s what they do, until Judy checks the sky and then quietly clears her throat, a clear order for Yuri to go to bed. He stands without protesting and dusts himself off.

“Well, time to turn in. G’night.”

“Goodnight,” She responds lightly. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

Yuri walks away with a sloppy salute and practically falls into his bedroll, face planting into his pillow and falling asleep almost immediately. Almost, because before Yuri passes out entirely he looks around the tent.

There is Karol to his left, curled up in his standard sleeping posture and to his right…there’s Raven. Raven who instead of leaning up against the tent wall like he so often does, is bundled up in his sleeping bag and all Yuri can see of him is some of his hair fanned out across his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is a wrap! Thank you guys so much for sticking with me; I am constantly blown away by your kind words. 
> 
> I've been doing my best to get the next chapter out for Campfire- seeing as I wont be back to work for at least another month I hope I can kick my butt enough to give you more!
> 
> Until then   
> <3 Siri

**Author's Note:**

> Part two coming soon and, as always, thank for reading friends! - Siri


End file.
